The older I get, the less attached I find myself…

I want to roam free, a new port, a new city, a new discovery always becoming my home, just for a little while.

That ‘nesting’ urge still resides somewhere, deep down; there are some places that I think to myself, “I could settle down here/there”. Maybe I am just fooling myself though. My desire to get rid of things, to let go of attachments, has grown so large within me that I think it is part of who I am. Maybe this was my destiny, maybe this has always been in me.

I’ve always felt a bit like a gypsy or nomad, constantly on the go, moving every few years and never really setting deep roots. We moved so much my whole life, even if it was within the same city we were always uprooting and changing our lives. It wasn’t easy, and I never expected it to be. Being the ‘new kid’, I was always starting over in a new school, with new faces and new situations; this also freed me from a lot of attachments. Yes, even back then I was growing toward this, growing in to my future self; the one who wanders, the one that changes, evolves and moves on, even when it hurts.

Even back then though, I was searching for my safe harbor; the home within my travels and journey. The home within myself. Now I am really coming fully in to the realization that I have found it, that I’ve really had it all along and was just searching for how to get in touch with it.

Here, I find myself.
HERE, I have always been.
HERE, I will always remain.

No matter where I go, no matter the paths I cross, no matter the time that passes; here I am.


Most of us know the quote, or some variation of it, “Not all those who wander are lost” and while Tolkien’s words do strike home for most of us, I have to also think about the other side of that coin/quote. Not all are lost, but some are.

We are all lost at certain times in our lives. If it wasn’t for those times when we lose ourselves, we would never be able to truly discover who we are. Being lost is a perfectly normal part of exploring our own natures, exploring the world around us, and exploring the people who come in to our lives. To the outsider sometimes these moments seem like a temporary lapse of sanity, and they can even seem that way to ourselves because it is so often a revolutionary experience. Things inside of our minds and our souls undergo transformations that we were not even aware we are capable of and we sit back in awe or shock of what lies within us.

Sometimes, the change is sparked by a lover; we realize our capacity for loving another, or our inability to overcome the fear of love; we finally understand that we too deserve to be loved; we find new depths of our own sexual awareness and desires. Maybe scars from the past resurface, and we are forced to see how well or poorly we have dealt with them. All of these lead us to better understanding who we are in relation to those we choose to love romantically, and hopefully lead us to better choices.

At other times, the change comes from a place of loss; a loved one passes away or leaves us, and we are left to face the emptiness that their absence has caused; we lose something that we risked in order to try and gain more, perhaps making us realize the true value of what we had or maybe actually making us aware of how we are now truly free without it; our capacity or ability to do something, either physically or mentally, is sometimes altered and we are left to try and find ways in which we can continue being ourselves under these new circumstances.

Perhaps an idea took hold and as your mind worked on this idea, it was changed forever and therefore changed the shape of your life. Our own knowledge is the expanse and limit of our personal Universe and as we learn and discover, losing ourselves in an emotion, a person, a shift in thought, our Universe grows beyond the limit that it had known.

Yes, all who wander are not lost. We wander, we find ourselves, we continue to grow and expand beyond our previous selves. Even when we are lost, it is in the process of finding the bit of us in everything around us, and the expanse of everything else within ourselves.

It’s OK. OK to wander. OK to be lost. OK to be found, or finding. It is all OK. It is all going to be OK.

I can feel it, coming…

It’s in the air. Change, change is coming. Change is the only forever constant, a part of life as much as oxygen.

At times, it arrives abruptly; shifting my world drastically and without warning. Change, you wacky ol’ so and so, always keeping me on my toes.

At other times though, it creeps up slowly, rolling in like a fog over the hills. You see it off in the distance, you sense it’s very presence all around you, telling you to be aware, prepare.

What’s coming is big. A game changer. It is going to take me further along this path, to where I am going. It will show me that all has not been in vain.

I continue to be who I am, all the while growing, learning, evolving and changing the world within me.

Dusk to dawn

There is something quite beautiful about melancholy that is somewhat difficult to explain.

It can be hard for people to understand that about me, since I am generally a very happy and positive person, but I too have my moments. When a bout of melancholy strikes I have learned to see the beauty in it, to stretch out in to the vast expanse of darkness that melancholy tends to bring and explore the edges of my own thoughts, my own emotions.

Melancholy is much like the dusk; she arrives at the end of a bright sunny day and she imbues the sky with rich, deep colors that precede the night. There is beauty in melancholy, for it is the tinge of sadness that makes the colors of happiness even more precious, more beautiful. Yes, the night that follows such dusk can be dangerous if delved in to quite deeply but we all know that dawn is imminent on the horizon, ready to bring back the sun with it. Dawn doesn’t chase away the darkness per se; she kisses it, gently at first, allowing the dark to begin its retreat before the sky gives way to the sun’s full glory.

Yes, melancholy is a beautiful thing. A song that pulls at the corners of our hearts and minds, reminding us of loves lost; times of the year that remind us of childhood years gone by. Melancholy reminds us to appreciate the beauty of what we have in the now, because life is change and things do not remain the same.

Actions speak louder than words. Actions…speak……louder……than….words….?

What this expression is often used to mean overlooks the fact that words in and of themselves are an action. The act of expression. The act of speaking one’s mind; of putting thoughts and feelings out there, giving them a life of their own.

Words are needed for us to communicate; they are needed for us to define who we are, and what we want, and how we perceive the world around us. Without words, we are lost. It is the greatest action of all, the act of expression. Why else would we have invented so many of them, in so many different languages and dialects, with such a wide array of characters to define them, print them out for the world? If gestures and grunts were enough, we never would have worked so hard to come up with all these ways to express ourselves.

Our words shape the world around us. So many times, the power of words come back up from the past to remind us of this: I have a dream; I love you; I don’t love you like that anymore; you’ve put on some weight; you need to do something about those eyebrows; I can’t; I thought; why. From the greatest moments to the most banal, words have power and they echo throughout our lives in unexpected ways.

So often this power is taken for granted, because words are so commonplace in our lives that we lose sight of the impact they have. It’s easy to forget that one word can change a day, a life. The saddest loss is when we have no more words for each other. When we stop communicating, because we feel there is no point…when we would rather keep our words to ourselves, thinking that it is better than not being understood…how profoundly sad these moments are…

We are as strong as our words, and we should choose them carefully for their power and might, just like our own, is greater than we can imagine.

Looking back, moving forward.

Yes, I have fallen off the face of the Earth in regards to my blog (and even journal writing) for the last few weeks. No point in feeling guilty or beating myself up for it though, just pick up where I left off and keep going.

Which brings me to a thought that I contemplate often, and that has been on my mind a lot as of late; nostalgia, looking back, being present, and moving forward vs anticipating what is coming.

Thanks to a wonderful college professor, Ana Luszczynska, the post-modern thought regarding nostalgia in society has been firmly planted in my brain for a decade now and I often come back to it, especially when I find myself frustrated at the nostalgia of others. Yes, I know that sounds harsh. It probably is; I can be somewhat harsh when it comes to looking at the world through rose colored glasses. Being positive in life about yourself, your path and humanity is different than looking back at times gone by and thinking how things were ‘better’ back then. Nostalgia is a trap. When we get caught up in those details that our hearts hold dear within our memory banks, we forget about all the other circumstances that surrounded the moment in time we are fondly looking back upon.

The truth is, in the past there were good times and there were bad, just as the same holds true in our present and will continue to be in the future. Life isn’t perfect, it never has been and never will be. How would we learn if everything was handed to us on a silver platter?

There is nothing wrong with looking back at our past, fond of the good times, and aware of the bad to therefore inform us in our present. Accept the good times for what they were, when they were; don’t attach so much to the feeling/memory/moment, that you lose sight of the good things which currently surround you.

I feel like anticipating the future is often fraught with the same kind of thing; we get tied up in dreading the worst, or imagining only the best, that we lose sight of the right now. We cannot control the future, and thinking about it too much is truly an act of futility. Making plans of what we would like to see come to fruition is a wonderful human trait that can give us hope, but if we pin all our hopes on what we imagine the future to be we are often setting ourselves up for disappointment and even failure. In life many of the best things that happen to us are unforeseeable, and we often aren’t even immediately aware of the impact they have upon our lives.

To me, moving forward means being present while still informed of the past, all the while being aware that our actions and thoughts are forming the path to our future.

I don’t dwell in the past, but I know that what happened before has made me who I am today. I enjoy each moment as it comes and am conscious of the fact that each joy and each pain is as fleeting as the past was, and I know that whatever is to come will be part of this great lesson called life. This makes me confident of my path, even as I am unaware of what will unfold as I continue upon it.

And at the end of all this, I have to say that I owe an ocean of gratitude to the woman who sparked all these thoughts 10 years ago; thank you Ana.

February 16
We are seeking wholeness, not perfection.

LIVING YOUR YOGA: Find a wood floor and spend a minute looking at what could be called its imperfections, such as knots, irregular grain, and discoloration. Remember that these imperfections are what give the floor its beauty and character; they make it real. Allow yourself to grow in wholeness, imperfections and all.

From A Year of Living Your Yoga, Daily Practices To Shape Your Life by Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., P.T.

It isn’t always easy to deal with our own imperfections. Often times we want to fit in to this idea we have of who we should be, or we try to fit situations and the other people in our lives in to the ‘ideal’ that we imagine. 

There is no such thing as ‘perfection’ though, just as the idea of ‘normal’ can’t exist either because it is all subjective to each person’s experiences. We all have our own distinct dreams, and our own ways of seeing ourselves and the world around us, and we cannot impose that upon others just as we do not wish to have their ideas imposed upon us. Individuals among the collective, that’s what we are.

And yet what we all do have in common, what unites us, what makes us human are our flaws, our imperfections. We all experience things in life that teach us about grief, and also about love, that teach us about our limitations, and about our resilience. There is so much capacity within us all, that runs the gamut of emotions and actions, beyond even our own imagination. 

Each day, our imperfections teach us. Each day, we have another opportunity to learn. Each day, we are complete and whole; we only need to recognize that within ourselves and others. 

Inspirational words from others

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. -Abraham Lincoln

The power of Love came into me
And I became fierce like a lion,
then tender like the evening star.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. – Viktor Frankl

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. -James Oppenheim

The only way of full knowledge lies in the act of love; this act transcends thought, it transcends words. It is the daring plunge into the experience of union. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling-it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. -Erich Fromm

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you? -Fanny Brice

I am willing to move to a deeper level of service. I am willing to dissolve the false ego that creates the illusion that we are separate so I can do the soul’s work. -Qahira

The objective of two lovers is almost always the same; to find meaning in their individual lives and in their life together. -Paul Pearsall

The only true joy on earth is to escape from the prison of our own false self, and enter by love into union with the Life Who dwells within the essence of every creature and in the core of our own souls. -Thomas Merton

Writing, and loving.

To me, writing is a testimony. It is a testimony of how I am feeling, what I am thinking, in that moment in time. Most writers really don’t write for others, they write for themselves. It sounds like such a selfish act, but in reality it is a form of sharing because when we write, those thoughts and feelings that we have are bound to have been felt or thought by others as well because it is all a part of the human condition. As different as we are, we are also all the same. Words can bring us together when we share them.

I’ve realized that love is another form of testimony in itself. When we love, we are testifying to the impact that another person has in our life, and also testifying to ourselves that we are human and capable of amazing things, such as love. It is such a simple thing, and yet made so complicated. The act of loving others is a natural part of who we are; it is when we deny that, or when we place restrictions or limitations on love, or expectations of love, that it becomes difficult and complicated. We complicate love. It doesn’t complicate us. It enriches us, it brings us together just like words can, in an even more powerful way because love is self-perpetuating and the more love we give, the more love we feel.

Writing, and loving. They go hand in hand. Words and love. They are life.

Starting over, again.

We all have to start over at many points in our lives; we move, we start over; we change jobs, we start over; a new relationship begins, we start over. Often times we tend to think of ‘starting over’ as failure, but really it’s just getting back to the basics and learning to adapt and apply what you already know to a new situation. I am starting to see ‘starting over’ as something truly beautiful, and magical. In that moment, where we begin again, we get to take the lessons from our previous experiences and gain perspective that gives us a new way to see the situation we are being placed in. This is how we grow in life. And this is what I realized today during my yoga practice.

It’s been over a month since my last yoga practice, and it has been several months since I have been able to practice multiple times in a week like I had grown accustomed to. Life changes have been a big part of that, but that’s OK because I knew that yoga was still a part of me since it isn’t only what you practice on the mat but within day to day life itself; the mat would still be waiting for me. And so today, although my body was a tad stiffer than the last time my mat and I met, I got to ‘start over, again’ with yoga. It was interesting to come back and find that moment where muscle memory meets things that you hadn’t realized about certain poses. Yes, the instructor’s breakdown of where my hip/chest/shoulder should be was hugely instrumental in this and that’s why the instructor can make or break a class, especially for beginners; but really it was the fact that I returned to a beginner’s class, humbled and ready to listen again to just how I should approach each pose.

In yoga, and in life, we learn something and become good at it from doing it over and over again, oftentimes thinking that we have now mastered it and no longer need to be reminded of the basics. Starting over helps get us back to those basics, to say ‘look, sure you’re doing this well but you can always do better.’ We can always do better. So starting over, again, is just another part in that process of learning how to do better.